Why I chose pageants
Pageantry was never on my radar.
Which is surprising to most people since my mother is a former Mrs. North
Dakota International. I of course loved the fact that my mother was a
“professional princess” but as a little girl I wasn’t fancied by all of the
glitz and glam, I was more interested in playing with Nerf guns in my tutu and
Lion King boots. It wasn’t until my life was turned upside down that I decided
to throw on the 6 inch heals and take on the stage.
Throughout my elementary and middle
school years I endured a tremendous amount of bullying. I had a rather eclectic
sense of style and struggled with my weight but I was confident in who I was.
That is until my peers decided to bring my differences to my attention and we
all know the elegant subtlety that children possess when addressing people who
may look a bit different from them. I never let their words hurt me because I
knew who I was and I had friends and family who loved me just the way that I
was. Lion King boots and all.
It wasn’t until a particularly
hurtful comment was made to me on social media that I began to feel
self-conscience and insecure about myself. When I was a freshman in high school
I had discovered the wonderful world of contact lenses and lost a little bit of
weight. I was feeling incredibly confident and decided to post a selfie on
Facebook. Let me tell you, the selfie game was definitely not as strong in the
early 2000’s as it is today but at the time, I thought I looked beautiful in
the photo. A little while after posting the selfie I returned to the desktop
(yes kids, that’s where Facebook was back then) and I had one notification. The
notification was “Your so ugly.” (that is a DIRECT quote by the way)
I was devastated. As a teenager,
all you want in the world is to feel accepted and comfortable in your own skin
and in that moment that was taken from me. From that moment on I was self
conscience and really struggled with my confidence. I allowed three words (with
one in the wrong form) define me for years. Those words were always with me.
They were in the back of my brain like a little bug eating away at me telling
me that I wasn’t good enough and that I never would be.
It’s when I was in college that
everything turned completely upside down. I was a victim of a severe
cyberbullying and stalking situation. This individual was someone I had been in
a relationship with in high school that ended shortly after starting college.
Now I will be honest and say I was not making good choices at this stage of my
life and did not treat this individual fairly, however, despite my actions, no
one deserves what I had to endure. I was receiving constant phone calls, text
messages and voicemails telling me how I was a monster and that I didn’t
deserve to live. These messages were never ending and coming from individuals
that I didn’t even know. People who had never met me were telling me I didn’t
deserve to be here anymore.
One day I received a message that I
will never forget. “Kill yourself”. Those two words were branded into my brain.
I began to believe that I no longer had a reason to be here. I saw no future
ahead of me and I was unable to see beyond the current situation that I was
stuck in. I thought that it was better for everyone if I just wasn’t here.
After my suicide attempt in 2015,
my confidence was at an all time low. The little girl that would proudly strut
around in her Lion King boots with a Nerf gun in hand and was full of
confidence seemed to be a distant memory and far from my reach. To help regain my confidence, my mother
encouraged me to run in a pageant. I definitely didn’t scream “pageant” however.
I had purple hair, piercings and tattoos. I certainly didn’t look the part. With
a lot of help and even more encouragement from friends and family I eventually
ran.
The second that crown hit my head I
knew exactly what my purpose was. My purpose and my mission was to raise
awareness for suicide prevention and share my story around the world.
That was a huge mission for a young
girl recovering from a suicide attempt. This is the same girl who would refuse
to look up and speak in front of her class. How was she going to speak to
thousands? Like I always say “One crown can’t change the world but one crown
has changed my world forever.” It took a lot of preparation and research but I
developed Hearts for Hope and began speaking locally, nationally, and
internationally.
Not to be too cheesy but I didn’t
choose pageants, they chose me. Again, pageants were never on my radar. My path
of life just led me along a rather serendipitous journey and brought me to the
right stage at the right time. Pageantry is far from being about crowns and
gowns (they can be, but that is definitely not the intention) they are about
creating confident, powerful and courageous women that are determined to make a
difference.
I can confidently say that
pageantry has changed my life forever. In four years I went from being a lost
girl waking up from a suicide attempt to becoming a published journalist,
worldwide ambassador, business owner, award winning makeup artist, woman of the
year nominee, and Miss North Dakota International 2019. My life changed forever because I decided to
take a risk and put myself out there.
“Challenges are what make life
interesting, overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” When you decide to
challenge yourself is when extraordinary things can happen. So I encourage all
of you reading this to take on those challenges ahead of you and go beyond your
comfort zone. Whether it is through pageantry or not. There is no doubt that
the challenges that I have faced in my life have made me stronger but it’s
because of pageantry that I have been able to use that strength to make a
difference and fulfill my purpose as a suicide prevention advocate.
So whatever
those challenges are ahead of you, push through them. Because the lessons
learned, knowledge gained, and strength you will have at the end of it will be
priceless and hold a new world of possibilities.
Ava Hill
Miss North Dakota International 2019
Have courage and always be kind