It's Okay to Not Be Okay
When asked to give three facts
about yourself you want to give three say fun, unique, and interesting facts.
Most people would would have typical responses that fall along the lines of, “I
have been to 9 countries, have never broken a bone, and I love to read.” My
responses are, “I have never had a Dairy Queen Blizzard, I am a dual citizen,
and my mom took her own life.”
Most people feel uncomfortable once
my last fact is said and given a second to sink in. The majority of the group
usually throw out a couple, “oh my gosh, I’m sorry,” or they try to change the
subject without acknowledgement. They begin to look at me like I am sad,
broken, or a victim which I am no where near. My goal is to rid the negative
stigma that surrounds suicide. I want to be able to spin a negative life
experience and turn it into a positive, because every 40 seconds we lose
someone to suicide world-wide.
My entire life story starts several
years before I was born. My dad, once graduated from college, got a job which
he traveled the world on a boat. He worked in many countries for several months
at a time. He eventually found home in Phitsanulok, Thailand. Where
he eventually met and fell in love with my mother. They were married and
several years later expecting a baby girl. Six months after I was born, we
moved to the United States where my dad was born and raised. My mother was very
strong, independent, and stubborn. Once in the country she was determined to
become fluent in the English language, gain citizenship, and find a job to
occupy her time. In less then 3 years she did all that.
The memories I have of my mom
revolve around making her ‘famous’ eggrolls for friends and family, always
being the mom that would take my friends and I to the waterpark or playground,
loved by the neighborhood, and always being the loudest in the room. For being
such a petite woman this lady had a set of lungs on her. Although, I have great
memories of my mother when I was young I hold no happy memories of my mom and
dad together.
You see, although my mom was very
independent she soon grew homesick for Thailand. She made a trip home when I
was the age of two, and my grandmother knew that is truly where she wanted and
needed to me. My mom and dad began to fight and eventually on the verge of a
divorce. The memories I hold as a young child of my parents together only
revolve around the yelling, bickering, and moving from house to house. Which I
can reflect on now and implement on my life and relationships.
I remember the day like it was
yesterday. Most people tell me, “oh you were too young to remember, it is all
from what you were told.” That is far from the case, with such a dramatic and
almost traumatic news to a five-year-old it sticks with you like a mosquito
that will never leave you alone.
With having parents that are on
their way to divorce most children understand the thing of taking “sides.”
Sunday morning was a huge morning for me. Why?
This particular Sunday every child that was about to start their
kindergarten received their very first bible. This purple bible filled with
cartoon versions of bible stories meant we finally made it big time in Sunday school.
I was about to be a cool kid. After the church service I wanted to get out of
my dress and into my overalls and head to my cousins that lived several miles
out of town. My mom had stopped into my grandparent’s and tried sitting me
down. But for a five-year-old ready to hang out with her friends there was no
way this lady was going to get me to sit still. I remember she had asked me
several questions about my morning, and her wanting to see my new purple bible.
By this point I remember being annoyed and just ready to see my friends. Little
did I know that this would be my last time seeing my mom. I sat on the counter
as she hugged me and told me her final words.
I had spent the night at a cousin’s
house several miles out of town. We had been running around playing basketball
when I saw my dad’s white truck pull up with my dad in the driver seat and my
grandpa in the passenger seat. I immediately avoided the fact that I had to
leave my friends until I heard my dad’s booming voice say, “Siam, it’s time to
go.” I hurried to the truck and hopped right in. I shimmied my way between my
grandpa and dad in the front seat. I remember that ride briefly but I remember
it being full of silence. We arrived at my grandparent’s home and walked into
the living room where my entire family sat, but one person was missing.
I don’t quite remember who was the
one to say the words but the exact words were, “Siam, Jesus came down and told
mom that it was time for her to go.” As a young child I didn’t quite
understand. But the way I pictured this all going down was Jesus holding my mom
in the middle of the living room telling her it was time to come home. I
remember not being sad, because I had read in my purple bible that it was okay
to go home with Jesus. Shortly after receiving the news I went and watched
cartoons when my grandpa came into explain in further detail that my mom was
gone, and she was gone for good.
It wasn’t until I was eleven or
twelve that I found out the real reason my mother had passed. At that time, I
was filled with anger. How could a woman leave her children? How could a mom
make a choice between her own life and her children? It was a hard pill to
swallow. It took several years for me to understand the depth of this
experience. But once I was able to realize that my personal experiences can
prevent others from losing a loved one, my heart swelled full of happiness and
I knew there was a purpose for my life. I wasn’t going to sit and dwell on it
and be collateral damage, I was going to be collateral beauty and pull the
positives out of life.
That is when my personal platform
of, It’s Okay To Not Be Okay became. It’s Okay To Not Be Okay is letting others
know it is okay to ask for help and offer support to those affected by suicide.
You are not alone. I would like others to recognized the warning signs and
preventative care for suicide. Because for every 5 that have attempted suicide,
4 have given clear warning signs.
Forever and Always,
Miss North Dakota International 2017
Siam Simpfenderfer